Jeremy

~ xMinoru, lonederer159, skylancer, 小弟, windballad ~

edited as of: May 25, 2009

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are we to become like this because of just work? hais

some times, feelings just don't go the way you want them to be.
warning alarms going off at times you know aren't necessary.

that's the problem for a person who's ruled by the heart.
bo chup me, where art thou?

part 1
i wonder and wonder and wonder. on and on as each second passes by.

that question you asked me randomly got me thinking hard about how i really felt.

but to me, you're akin to an ice princess awaiting for you ice to be chiseled or melted away, and only by the correct person. if it is the wrong person or method used, you'll just shrink back into your ice cage and making it even tougher to break through.

but if the person has already gotten your 100% agreement, he can just reach through the ice and get to you.


it feels to me that way and that i'm just slowing making my way through chiseling my way in making little carvings as i go along, occasionally cracking the ice accidentally.

so, somehow someday, i hope, i will be able to get in without having to break the ice from outside.

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part 2
slowly and surely as i chisel my way into your ice block, thinking i would be the first to reach you, i was totally wrong. just directly right across me, i see somebody that has gone almost all the way in before. before you decided to throw him out and recast the whole ice block in front of him.
he's working speedily and steadily, unlike me taking every little step cautiously and carefully, making sure that i am in the right path and do not take the wrong step that would send me straight down into the abyss which i would not be able to reach even the furthest boundary of your influence.

taking a closer look, i realised that the chiseler at the other end is one of my closest buddy that's been by my side for years. one i've fought alongside and been through thick and thin together. i wonder should i just give up and let my buddy get to you or should i have a fair competition with him and see who will be able to get to you first unscathed.

mind still unsettled, i work my way through the ice with pace much slower than before as i try to fight the little tug-o-war with my heart and mind.......

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part 3
i stopped, looked and thought about the things going on around me. "why am i even here chiseling my way through this stupid ice block?" i thought to myself, "why did i even embark myself on this mission of mine? is it because of the hatred against somebody that i had buried a little while back but now resurfaced? or is it because i really want to work for the prize at the end of this whole mission? something that i'd get in exchange for my skills that i used now that were honed back at my hometown?" there are some prizes that lay back at home where i've gotten through my previous campaigns, but even so, they lay motionless and meaningless on the shelves.
thoughts of doubts filled my mind as i forced myself to get my mind back on track.

with every move i made, memories came flooding back on the day i agreed to start on a campaign which i don't really wish to do. but for the sake of keeping the peace between the regiment, i would do it. but at the end of day i would always think back "is it what i really wanted? or am i just a yes man?"

as i allowed my thoughts to be drifted from my main objective, i feel the darkness and cold engulf me in their hands ever so welcoming of yet another victim........

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part 4 (new)
i woke up and looked around unsure. i didn't know where i was. the last i remembered, i managed to get through a secret tunnel that i found somewhere and got through it, seeing the deep pit at the end of the tunnel and the little portal at the bottom, i gathered all that's left of my courage and dived head in towards the portal. it seemed that i was qualified enough the enter the portal of el corazón. and that was the last that i ever remembered. and i was glad that i'm the only one out of the many that got the pass that portal. or was i?
it seemed that i am right now, in the chamber of tests, right in the middle of the ice princess's palm.
with the limited things in my possession right now, what was i to do? in addition to the helplessness that i'm feeling right now, the coldness is starting to numb every little inch of my muscles, every stretch of my veins.
the survival tactics stored at the back of my mind started to kick into the brain, keeping my mind as conscious as it is possible. i'd lost count of how many times the weather had changed. it was as if the storms had their feelings and moods as well. its like a change in wind direction could invoke different and new feelings into your heart and mind. pushing through all the different weathers, each different one trying to knock me down in a different way, physically, mentally, psychologically. with every change, the ice princess would come and go, come and go, making me feel like a pawn on her chess board. like i'm just another puppet on her string, pulled only for her entertainment. each time she comes, it intoxicates the mind, relieves the heart. but when she goes, the intoxication goes as well, making the mind feel like that of a drug addict whose drug effects had worn off., the relieve switches into fear and anxiousness, throwing the heart into a state of confusion.
somehow in the midst of this fight and test,
i finally got to a place with cooling and peaceful breeze, under the starry night sky. although it might not be the most eye-catching of places, the shiny jewels in the unreachable dimension was more than enough to make that place beautiful. and there, i was presented one of the biggest temptation of man. unknowingly with an intoxicated mind, i gave in to that.
and in a split second all the weather started to mix up and hit me in the face. rain, snow, hail, blizzard, blazing sun, all hitting me directly, sapping me of every bit of energy that was left in my pathetic body.
my vision starts to black out...... once again...................

i am, as always, a walking contradiction.

or maybe, i'm just another hypocrite?

i should really start doing things i SHOULD be doing and not doing things i SHOULD NOT be doing. blah.

FYP's going.... well.. pretty fine... i guess? help each other and cover each other's backside. lol.

Wirbe just asked me to join him in doing Final Fantasy Agito XIII. it's a PSP game with combined story lines together? RIY here: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Final_Fantasy_Agito_XIII
though, he'd be settling everything so, i'm going i guess~ hahas. missed having photoshoots with the peeps, i'm hoping for things to go crazy there. XD



kage's off in the U.S. settling some stuff. hopefully things do go well for her and she'll be able to come back safely and the problems settled. ._. soooooo going to meet her when she lands. it's already been ages since we last met. -.-" so you-who-is-out-there, come back in one piece.

Tuesday's gonna be Leon's birthday, Happy Birthday in advanced bro!
they're gonna be celebrating at a pub this time. hahas.

don't worry girl, i won't get myself drunk this time. =X


today has been a really unproductive day that's just filled with nua-ing nua-ing and more nua-ing. ~.~

watched 2012 after work yesterday with girlfriend!

not exactly the BEST movie around neither is it the worse. just you know.... average? hahas.. but i wouldn't say that it was exactly worth the $7 tickets. maybe the duration saved it luh.. haha =X cause its like 2hours and 30mins long?? sit until butt pain -.-

though i've said it before but i'm going to say it again.

i really really really appreciated the fact that you took out time to accompany me yesterday. even though you wanted to use the time to rest and do your assignments. especially also when you are sick. =] and so late some more.

there were obstacles. and definitely more to come. but we will get over it together right? :]

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still there were some things i worry about after i heard something from somebody. =/
are my expectations really too high?
though i may not say them out, but i never seem to feel satisfied somehow.... why is this so?

time to start self psycho-ing?

whenever things don't go the way i expect them to be, whenever something happens that i do not wish to address, i've been retreating back to my shell of isolation. something i've been doing ever since god-knows-when. keeping quiet, not wanting to talk about it to anyone even if i had to talk.

hoping that someday the solution to the problem will quietly creep beside me, so that i do not have to trouble over it again.
if it was minor things, yes, the solutions had came by.
but when it came to heart-to-heart problems? i never once got to solve it this way.

it's ridiculous that the exact same scenarios keep popping by. i'm sure it's more than a coincidence now right? it feels so 17 Again just with a different storyline. is the one up there asking me to do something so that i can change my life? all the dreams that i've been having ever since 901150 and all the things that have been happening. even if it weren't for memories, this deja vu would be scarier than just being surreal.


i feel so insignificant sometimes, maybe i do lack a sense of security. that pretty much suck for a guy. though i'd attribute it to my lack of confidence.

谢谢你再次给我的肯定还有勇气！

suddenly got this passing thought in my mind.... something that happened to me last time. i wonder will history repeat itself again?

i seriously should have more trust. more faith. and confidence.

never had enough confidence in myself.


fear is taking over, i must keep my mind cool. losing my cool isn't what i always do. why does it come so easily now? am i that afraid of the same thing happening to me again? actually i am.
betrayal by a person who holds the same worth. i really really really would dread it to happen. what would i do if it happens again?

i bet on two possibilities like the same as last time, which i believe i will take the same route again.

putting this fragile thing back on the line, i risk dropping it back on the shattered pieces left behind yet again.
will you handle it with care? will you shatter these dreams into a million pieces like it happened before?
i hope not.

because i killed a million heart cells by denying the feeling that it will happen again. i killed a million of logic cells to follow the hope blindly that the last time it happened, will be the last time it ever happen.

please don't let me go through all this pain again.

blahhhhh! can't believe i made a mistake on horoscopes! hahaha. can get the wrong one for such a significant date some more.. -.- *smacks self* lol

anyway, yesterday was RED Camp and i was helping out SoE just for the fun of it. saw some familiar faces as SLs and stuff like that. kinda nostalgic, remembering the days where i was a RED camper myself and aspiring to be an SL, end up i performed for RED camp 4 as a Baracuda and after being a GL at NPSU FOC for the April '08 semester i never thought of walking back the same route of poly glamor and GLs/SLs.

Baracuda in year 1 was, fun lively and everything a person looking for fame and glamor in poly would be looking for. indeed, those were the days where it was filled with music, late nights and things that will make me die younger. HAHA.

but rifts do happen and i'm don't exactly get along with most of the members thus seeing the ending of my Baracuda career before year 2 starts. and start of another section in my poly life.

start of year 2 came with lots of hellos and goodbyes. first tears shed in poly during my term as a GL for FOC. its really a camp that all of us put so much effort into and managed to make it the best FOC ever in the 10 years of Ngee Ann history with close to a thousand participants in the camp. none of us bore to break camp even though there were some discrepancies between us.

after that, poly life was full of random 'yo', 'hello', 'hi', 'how are you doing?' every other 5 mins of walk around the campus. which soon died down too.

i realised many things have changed, including this person that i thought i knew. from a person so enthu and everything, to a person so full of politics and things that made me despise her. all within a short period of half a year. and a person who first made me not regret ending a relationship with. seriously, never felt better doing that when the person is full of lies. lol.

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went back to my old blog just for the sake of it. and realised that i had fulfilled 3 out of 6 of my new year's resolution for 2009. which is a rare thing for me to even fulfill even one. they will be CP-ed below. hahaha.

resolutions and goals for 2009:
1. get a proper part time job with appropriate pay!
2. perform in the public with a band (school doesn't count)
3. get a good girlfriend! (LOL)
4. go thru my 3rd year with ease =x
5. do better cosplays
6. get more equips for photography


the points in red are the fulfilled ones. i was never expecting point 3 to be actually fulfilled within this year. but it did OwO hahaha.
point 5 was fulfilled on CosFest and that's good enough for me. doubt i'll be going back to that scene for a VERY long time since so many things had happened since.
point 6! loving my S5 IS now with all the external flash. definitely still prefer it over a DSLR anytime (though i still wanna get one).

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yesterday's time spent with Deng was awesome and i'm looking forward to meeting her again. haha. love you and the little things that you'll do for me. :]

i have no idea why (yes again), i am the benchmark among my female friends for bf? o_O seriously i don't feel that i'm such a good bf. ._. sorry Ivy, 骗了你上贼船。 lol.

yeah, i just wish someone could explain it to me -.- in a way that i can understand you know.

anyway, sat night was epic. cause.... i got drunk! like finally made myself drunk -.- but still not my real limit.... hahahaha..
LYNETTE!! all your fault lah! you and your stupid straw!! hahaha..

had 2 tequila pops, 2 whiskey with coke and god knows how many cups of beer. i swear i couldn't remember. all i could remember is that Apple and Joslyn were telling me don't think so much about it and everything. and Leon bro was being a joker and a bro. haha.
amazingly i didn't have any hangovers. just wasn't really THAT awake and alert for the whole day. alcohol still running in the body yes?

but i did screw up a little huh? i guess i did, in some ways.

guess seeing them all in the plus one plus one mood didn't really make me feel any better that night.

BUT IT'S OVER NOW! :D


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sorry for making you worry about me the whole day on sat and the drunk texts.
though sometimes i do make you a little off the swing, i hope i'll be able to make it up to you in other little ways that i can.
yes i know i'm a boring and unromantic person.

HAHAHAHA!

7 days has came and passed just like that. it isn't exactly short to me, cause during this period of time, i got to know you more and i think every minute spent with you is time well spent.

indeed, both of us do have different views on many things, question each other on many things, but we'll get through together right? :]

as time goes on, i will try to get as close to the perfect point that you've set as i can.


"no matter what your friends are saying, don't give up what you're waiting for. cause one day i'll be knocking on your door."

because its a feeling so special

人往往都是身在福中不知福。而我是其中这样的人，昨晚刚刚我才发现到。
因为我有了一位那么体贴又了解我的女友。

i feel that the wait was really worth it.

as requested by 灯 so i shall do some little updates.

FYP: 
i got a little pissed over one of my project mates lah. but since he already promised, i hope that he'll deliver lor. tomorrow we will see.
more or less completed though, unless Nazir decides to give us more things to do.

school is a little more interesting since the semester started. cause there's this crazy girl as my classmate. Sarah Koh ._. ya.. basically every week when we have a long break she'll drag the whole bunch of us out for lunch at random places like Ikea and Botak Jones. and not forgetting Eugene, though he's hearing impaired but he has so much nonsense to say la!! LOL. at least now he's integrating more into the group, cause there's someone that can understand him without pen, paper or laptop already. haha. glad that what i learnt at Hi! Club can really be used in my life now.

Opening ceremony. overall good but the start was... disastrous. pffft. owell, shall not harp on it. just take it as it is my fault for being unprepared. what can i say right? its never her fault. well, whatever.


some people should be more self satisfactory and more truthful to themselves so that they do not have to hide so many things and be afraid of so many people. why waste brain cells doing so? and creating politics in somewhere where more empathy and understanding is needed? not really smart is it?
i know the saying "think that you look good to feel good and make yourself look good" but apparently you should start realising it does not apply for intelligence.


not a lot of big happenings in my life though, MLIA.
though something really special happened to me finally, like after such a long long long time. hahaha, really glad that i had decided to wait and be picky. :X okay lah, part of it was cause i couldn't really let go but yeah. now i have! :DD actually not now luh, more of some time earlier. XDD i'm happy that i'm able to play a special part in your life and i hope that i will hold that role for a long time to come, hopefully till the ends of time. :] i love you girl.
because you give me a feeling i've never felt in a long long time and it is unique from the rest of the times i had as well.

p.s. i'm hungry

girls, ever had the times where you were a guy so that you can just stand at the urinals and relieve yourself?
i'm sure there is right?

now i present you with a point that will make you feel that sometimes being a girl is better than being a guy in terms of going to the toilet. i know all the long queues are a pain. but i'm pretty sure that this post will make you a little happier with the long queue when you think about this post. hahaha.

for us guys, we will face this scenario some time in point of our lives.

ever had times when you were peeing halfway and suddenly felt like your bigger relieve was already at the gates?
these are the times where we regret standing at the urinal but at the same time we can't move off because we're still, you know, relieving ourselves. and these are the times that we wished that we could have just been confined to the likes of a cubical.

and there were the times where we NEED the damned cubical, yet there's only one in the whole damned toilet and there's some joker inside the cubical either just small relieve OR you know, hand exercise ._." god knows why they take that long in there.
i mean, SERIOUSLY! someone's out here needing the cubical for his urgency yet he's in there taking his own sweet time doing god-knows-what in there. that's a good reason as to why we need MORE cubical inside the male toilet. -.-

you know, the agony of standing at the urinal and immobilized cause you're unable to stop the flow and YET you need to concentrate your behind muscles. it's definitely NOT an experience you wish to go through. -_-"

well, here's my few minutes worth of the inside agony of a male. hope you enjoyed or not be disgusted and seeing your previous meal again in physical form.

What do you really hope to achieve in life? Read this story and you may find what you are always hoping to achieve, you may be already having it.


There was once an American businessman who was sitting by the beach in a small Mexican village. As he sat, he saw a Mexican fisherman rowing a small boat towards the shore and noticed that the fisherman has caught quite a number of big fishes that is known to be a delicacy. The American was really impressed and asked the fisherman, "How long does it take you to catch so many fishes?"

The fisherman replied, "Oh, just a short while."

"Then why don't you stay longer at sea and you could catch even more?" The businessman was astonished.

The fisherman simply does not agree. "This is enough to feed my whole family," he says.

The businessman then asked, "So, what do you do for the rest of the day then?"

The fisherman replied, "Well, I usually wake up early in the morning, go out to sea ! and catch a few fishes, then I would go back and play with my kids. In the afternoon, I will take a nap with my wife, and evening comes, I will join my buddies in the village for a drink, we play guitar, sing and dance throughout the night. My days are ever so complete and carefree."

The businessman does not agree with his way of life and offered a suggestion to the fisherman.

"I am a PhD holder graduated from Harvard University, specialising in business management. I could help you to become a more successful person. From now on, you have to spend more time at sea and try to catch as many fishes as possible. And when you have saved enough money, you could buy a bigger boat and catch even more fishes. As you go on, you will be able to afford to buy more boats, recruit more fishermen and lead a team of your own. Soon you will be able to set up your own company, your very own production plant for canned food and do direct selling to your distributors. At that time, you ! will have moved out of this village and to Mexico City, and then expand your operation to LA, and finally to New York City, where you can set up your HQ to manage all your other branches."

The fisherman asks, "So, how long would that take?"

The businessman reply, "About 15 to 20 years."

The fisherman continues, "And after that?"

The businessman laughs heartily, "After that, you can live like a king in your own house, and when the time is right, you can go public and float your shares in the Stock Exchange, by then you will be rich, your income will be coming in by the millions!"

The fisherman asks, "And after that?"

The businessman says, "After that, you can finally retire, you can move to a house by the fishing village, wake up early in the morning and catch a few fishes, then return home to play with kids, have a nice afternoon nap with your wife, and when evening comes, you can join your buddies for a drink, play the guitar, sing and dance throughout the night!"

The fisherman was puzzled, "Isn't that what I am doing now! ?"

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this really makes me wonder what am i aiming to achieve in my life. sometimes i just wish to let go on whatever i'm trying to get and just live a carefree life as well. but apparently, Singapore's practicality does not allow such a thing.

people say a picture speaks a thousand words.
i'd say a song speaks the true feelings of the heart and soul

certainly it is not the first time that i had this feeling when i am with you. i'm pretty sure that there are hidden resentments against me even when you make it sound as if there is none to the public. everybody refuses to admit to their own mistakes i'm sure, especially in your life where face to you is everything just as it is to the any other materialistic girl that anybody can just pick off the streets.
i know i've weathered enough storms to be able to take small little humiliations like this, because it doesn't matter to me at all. taking the humble pill is more than just a common occurrence to me, after all, i myself and many other people already recognized my potential. definitely more than enough to swallow this blow that you're dealing me.

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i stopped, looked and thought about the things going on around me. "why am i even here chiseling my way through this stupid ice block?" i thought to myself, "why did i even embark myself on this mission of mine? is it because of the hatred against somebody that i had buried a little while back but now resurfaced? or is it because i really want to work for the prize at the end of this whole mission? something that i'd get in exchange for my skills that i used now that were honed back at my hometown?" there are some prizes that lay back at home where i've gotten through my previous campaigns, but even so, they lay motionless and meaningless on the shelves.
thoughts of doubts filled my mind as i forced myself to get my mind back on track.

with every move i made, memories came flooding back on the day i agreed to start on a campaign which i don't really wish to do. but for the sake of keeping the peace between the regiment, i would do it. but at the end of day i would always think back "is it what i really wanted? or am i just a yes man?"

as i allowed my thoughts to be drifted from my main objective, i feel the darkness and cold engulf me in their hands ever so welcoming of yet another victim........

the start of the semester was exactly 1 week ago, and up till now, i don't think that i'm used to the amount of people in the school still.
HI club recruitment was last week as well, kinda fun though i was really really into pulling people into the club.
learnt to sign "cartoon heroes" and "change a heart change the world" however not the full thing. still, enough to sign through it. =X


someday i hope that i will be able to reach this kind of performance standard soon. these guys are good.

sign language somehow allows me to relieve myself in some sort of way, i guess maybe cause i don't have to worry about many things if i were deaf.
haha, it sounds as if i have a lot of worries on my hands. i guess i do have more worries than an average 19-year-old. but then again, with this society that pushes us so hard into the materialistic world, i guess there are more and more people that are stressed out like me.

school, CCA, further studies at Shatec, future of my career, upcoming NS, repeating one semester, work and everything regarding MDH (my workplace) and the new cafe that godma is intending to set-up.

the last two is enough to take up more than 50% of my thinking space.

@work: the TSC to worry about and the situation between Karen and Emily and some other things that i'm restricted to tell anybody.
@new cafe: proposals, finding of cafe space, manpower and anything else needed for a proper business to start up.

i guess the sign language world is somewhere that i can run to and escape reality.


on a side note, i've been escaping to the 41st millennium in the world of space marines. so far i've completed The Space Wolves omnibus consisting of 3 books and 766 pages worth of words in less than 5 days. too fast for my liking so i shall SLOW DOWN with The Ultramarines Omnibus.
for those that do not know, they are books on different Chapters (read: companies) of genetically modified soldiers from the game /story of Warhammer 40,000.


met up with Maya yesterday and koped pics from her so tomorrow there SHOULD be a post on my Hong Kong trip after such a long time of procrastinating. haha. meanwhile, slacking at project room has been my uhh.. past time for Mondays and Tuesdays in school. LOL.

i miss the holidays and Hong Kong =(

went drinking with Apple, Jos and Ros. quite some time since i drank and felt really happy. sisters and brothers for life tongue stud crew! haha.

how many chances do you get in life to make such good close friends at work? 1 in a million i say. i mean, colleagues in office will stay as colleagues and never the kind of friends you will be able to bare your soul to and NOT back stab you. they're a special bunch that i've met and i pray hard that we will not lose contact one way or the other.

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some times i wish i could control my feelings totally. being in total control of your feelings give you a different sense of achievement.
but yet, it is not practically possible.

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slowly and surely as i chisel my way into your ice block, thinking i would be the first to reach you, i was totally wrong. just directly right across me, i see somebody that has gone almost all the way in before. before you decided to throw him out and recast the whole ice block in front of him.
he's working speedily and steadily, unlike me taking every little step cautiously and carefully, making sure that i am in the right path and do not take the wrong step that would send me straight down into the abyss which i would not be able to reach even the furthest boundary of your influence.

taking a closer look, i realised that the chiseler at the other end is one of my closest buddy that's been by my side for years. one i've fought alongside and been through thick and thin together. i wonder should i just give up and let my buddy get to you or should i have a fair competition with him and see who will be able to get to you first unscathed.

mind still unsettled, i work my way through the ice with pace much slower than before as i try to fight the little tug-o-war with my heart and mind.......